A Cynical Review of The Throne’s Houston Concert
Among other things, this is a piece in praise of The Throne. Ah, Throne, great thou best. Or beest thou sting. Or something poetic like that. But for the duration of this piece, we’re going to pretend I’m a cynical bastard assigned to review The Throne’s live show in Houston. So here’s a list of outstanding gripes I would have if I were a cynical bastard.
One: Jay-Z and Kanye West kicked off the show with “H.A.M.,” while mounting two separate 30-foot cubes. And when they were done, the cubes descended gradually and the rappers then walked to the main stage for their next song. That’s cool, I guess. But I expected the giant cubes to morph into a spaceship and then fly the pair across the room, swiftly placing them on the main stage?
Two: I like my raps simple. These dudes were spitting complex lyrics all night. I don’t want to have to go home and look up everything on Urban Dictionary. What the hell is a sarcophagus anyway?
Three: Amid the shitton of solo sets and joint sets, West set aside 18 minutes for a heavily autotuned bit seemingly entirely devoted to the idea of reinventing “The Amber Rose Rant.” But instead of a rant, ‘Ye went on and on about how it’s important to stay in love or some bullshit. Not a single rant about Amber Rose. And now I have nothing scandalous to report. Words can’t articulate my grief.
Four: Stock footage of animals flashed on the screen throughout the evening: wild cats, wolves (during “Welcome to the Jungle”), assorted birds, the Ku Klux Klan. But there wasn’t a single horse on the screen. No horse. Jay-Z owes me dinner.
Five: Two-and-half hours and five renditions of “N—as in Paris” later, The Throne thanked Houston and walked out to the tune of piano music. Seriously? I expected them to levitate off the stage on a flying carpet flanked by a swarm of Victoria’s Secret angels.
Six: I also expected a troop of Decepticons to descend from the risers and destroy the stage in some spectacular fashion afterward.
Seven: It wasn’t even in 3D.
Overheard in the crowd: “Is he talking about Amber Rose?” (Heard during Kanye’s “hold on to the one you love” bit).
(Photos © Marco Torres)